As a self-proclaimed serial dieter I love to talk all things weight loss!! as the old saying goes ‘all talk no action’ that sums me and my weight loss journey up perfectly,I have tracked endless points,had blue days,red days,green days,purple,pink and rainbow days and I have been a SINNER, Here are few of my experiences below all told with a giggle and little humor
As a society we are OBSESSED with weight loss, and as brides we are absolutely no different, in fact research shows that around 78% of brides want to lose weight for their big day. We will go to almost any length to shed a few pounds from; cutting calories dramatically, to taking ketamine based energy tablets all in the name of “getting healthy”. When we think about it are these diets really good for our bodies?. I know that this is not a new revelation and I am not the first person nor will I be the last to ever ask this question, but as a self-confessed extreme dieter I believe that I have finally come to a sound and sensible realisation.
Now let me start by saying I am probably not going to tell you anything you didn’t know, nor am I going to pretend to be some form of specialist in dieting, I just think along the way (and boy has it been a long way) I have always fell victim to fad diets and false weight loss promises!
A Diet in which you restrict your calories massively often meaning you can have only up to 600 calories a day (that is less than half the recommended daily intake for a woman), these diets usually cost anywhere between £50-£200 a month and the internet and ‘diet world’ is absolutely rife with them. Now it doesn’t take a scientist to work out that if you eat considerably less you are going to lose weight, but at what cost to your health? Studies show that by reducing your calories by such a dramatic amount you can actually ‘break’ your metabolism. Meaning that when you start to eat normally again, even if that is healthy, your body is no longer able to metabolise the way it used to. Thus leading to quicker weight gain which is much, much harder to get off. If that isn’t scary enough When you lose weight too quickly, your liver secretes extra cholesterol leading to too much cholesterol in the bile, which can lead to gallstones. Team this with headaches, nausea and constipation and you have yourself a cocktail of reasons why not to use a VLCD.
Another firm favourite of us dieters is the no carb or very low carb diet made also more popular by a favourite reality TV show based in the east of London where orange skin and vajazzles are also present #nocarbsbeforemarbs!
This is a diet I have tried on countless occasions, even though I know that by day two I am going to be angry, sad, and hungry. But as always my urge to lose 14lbs in 24 hours always, always seems to make me forget the hell my body goes through (and my wife) when I am on said diet. But other than the emotional effect that a low carb diet has on us, there is a list as long as my chubby little leg and more about the effects it has on your body. The main effect being your body going in to ketosis, now I do need to defend
ketosis before I go any further before people mistake it for ketoacidosis which is a very, very dangerous state to be in when diabetic. Ketosis is when the body uses your fat for energy thus resulting in rapid weight loss ‘’GREAT’’ I hear you cry, but just continue to read on before you throw away all the potatoes and rush to use the last of the bread on the ducks. The first few days of any low carb diet or ketogenic diet you will experience what is fondly known as keto-flu. A period in which you experience; headaches, nausea, light headedness, body aches, fatigue, cravings (Think highly considering mugging the old woman in ASDA car park with a baguette kind of cravings!), insomnia, palpitations and just all round feeling crap. On top of this you get the worst breath ever! So if you are still considering this kind of diet, cancel all social gatherings and preferably stay single because no one is going to want to go near you when your breath smells like something died in your mouth. In some extreme cases ketosis can also lead to hair loss!
All this being said this is probably my most favourite and successful diet also my current (once out of isolation because I am currently storing hobnobs like a squirrel getting ready to hibernate) once you get past that ‘Keto Flu’ the results are pretty good.
Please refer to diet one and two and then add an insane amount of cost…thank you.
In my long career of dieting I have tried in excess of around 12 different weight loss pills ranging from natural to the not so natural.
The scary thing is more than half of these I bought online and hadn’t the faintest of idea what was in them, resulting in two trips to A&E. One where I was hooked to an ECG as my heart rate was apparently having its own little rave in my chest cavity. The second I took a tablet called Glucomannan, which is a gel like fibre which when mixed with water expands up to 50% its original size, and in theory should sit nicely in your stomach filling 50% with a bathroom silicone like substance. Meaning you get fuller quicker, BUT not in my case, the little tablet decided to get stuck in ones throat, where it continued to expand and expand. You see where I am going with this, nothing was going down and nothing was going up I literally had polyfiller stuck in my throat!
I have tried raspberry ketones which for me did nothing apart from make burps taste like raspberry. Green tea extract just gave me palpitations, T5’s I am pretty sure they are now illegal in this country due to the ephedrine content, but I was scaling the walls and resembled Bez from the happy Mondays in his younger days!
My Dress Diet
THEN there was my wedding diet!! so this is pretty extreme, when I initial tried on my dress it all bunched at the front where it wouldn’t go over my stomach (cringe) but I just loved it and knew it was the dress for me. Now for those of you who don’t know we planned our wedding in just 6 month’s that meant I had 4 months to shift some serious chub and it went like this;
Month one- ate healthy and excersised lost 7lb
Month two-Three was.a.disaster! the stress of planning a wedding caused me to eat and I mean eat,cupcakes,cheese,shortbread you name it i was inhaling it.
Month four- Firstly I feel I need to put a disclaimer here *Do not try this at home because this is an unhealthy and unsustainable diet* BUT I lived off seafood sticks, boiled eggs and pickles with an evening meal of salad…read that again eggs, fish sticks and pickles 🤢 this was at my point of desperation because I was getting married in a month and my dress did not fit! (Another disclaimer cancel all social events and be prepared for your future beau not to want to go ahead with said marriage because EGG,PICKLES and FISH 😷) this of course worked why would it not but again not sustainable.
All in all I think it is safe to say that I have now come to the conclusion that the only way I am ever going to shift this bulge is by good old fashioned healthy eating and exercise (booo) and most of all patience. But if it means in the long run I keep it off; have a healthy gall bladder, don’t have a silicone throat, have a normal beating heart, save a small fortune, have breath like roses and don’t look smacked off my doodah’s then you know what it’s worth the wait.
So let’s conclude….when my day arrived and I hadn’t lost the 8 stone I had wanted, did it effect my day? AB.SO.LUT.LEY NOT!! I felt a million dollars on my wedding day literally like a real queen, so if you are planning or wanting to lose weight for your big day do not put to much pressure on yourself, embrace those lumps and bumps, flaunt those curves and if needs be invest in a cracking pair of Bridget Jones knickers.